*I do not recommend you use this tone, Im just naturally combative and I hate being told what to do. . I think Captains advice makes sense because, while getting rid of LWs boyfriend would be (according to many, I read) the logical consequence to his behavior, it is also true that you owe it to yourself to state your boundaries within this relationship, should it only last for one more day. Feeling frustrated with behaviors that contribute to a bad situation? Thats one form of love, I think: trusting the other person enough to let go and let them figure it out on their own. He blocks me and ignores me. If hes not pulling his weight, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the work. For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them). Its possible. It was this one: https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/. This doesnt sound like theyre frustrated, and it doesnt sound like theyre experiencing personal distress. Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. Independently from what you decide, be aware of that. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. Aside from that, by telling him that you don't like her will make him see your point of view. Oh LW, you are so strong to have come so far and I know the Captain and Awkward Army are all rooting for you whatever you decide. LW, Im not sure if what worked for me would work for you it requires a baseline of respect that your boyfriend seems to lack. Controlling me became an end in its own right, because it flattered his ego. The dissonance between everyone says exercising will help! Applauding your friends and remembering this one for future use. And I have never regretted that decision even once. But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. Changing roles is hard even for people with the best hearts and intentions and experiencing some friction around that isnt really a surprise, so if you have trust and like and respect, you *might* look past and/or forgive the Logick Kraken the first time or two it comes out to play. "You need to STOP chasing him immediately. May I just say that I love the analogy of a starter husband the one that makes you learn what to look out for next time. Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. Sometimes someone elses misery is beyond what you (you in general, not you in particular) can affect. Sometimes it feels like Im absorbing the sun like a reptile or a solar panel. Taking emotions out of decision making is actually a highly irrational approach. Not that I recommend my way. They are what they are, and you cant force someone to evolve. Be honest about how you feel. Good luck LW, positive thoughts your way! My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. It took me over 12 years to learn that. Asking this question can highlight how very much NOT his business some of the issues are while also clarifying if there *are* legitimate areas of discontent (Doing most of the housework is not working for me any more; can we talk about some chores you could take on?). You are the boss of you. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. The goalposts will keep moving. But let me tell you a little of my story. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. Im also in a place where I need to learn to feel good about myself and yet am in a home environment where I hear waaaay more criticism, scrutiny, and you should/shouldnts instead of support. And its going to be almost impossible to dump him because youre so invested in him but you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck. Wanting to stay in your relationship is one thing, needing to stay in a relationship that actively undermines your sense of self because of housing or economics or fear of the unknown is another. There are a few reasons Ive heared suggested that sort of personality can seem really familiar and thus a comfortable and easy thing to be around (because its what youre used to). He could be funny, kind, generous, and decent. something her boyfriend disagrees with, he ought to say, I really disagree with that or I really dont think thats a good idea. Instead hes cutting her down and belittling her. I used similar, but not as good actually, scripts to CAs, and they worked (eventually). Clear your mind and take a step back, try not to have any irrational thoughts. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. Flags everywhere! Well, in my case, itd make me feel unsafe and be a total incompatibility. As a result, I let him pick most of our destinations for dates, because I wasnt going to invite him someplace and then push him to pay for me. Let him know youre concerned and explain why. So if he has stopped watching everyone's stories, then he might be truly breaking free from social media. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. Well here are some tips what to do when your boyfriends stop texting. [6] Say something like, "I've noticed you've been a little distant lately. She will ask me to do things like remove sharp objects from her living space, check in to make sure shes eating, wake her up in the morning when shes unlikely to get up on her own, phone her psychiatrist to give info/updates about how shes doing, and so on. Absolutely! And you know what? I used to joke about a self-help book called Im OK, Youll Be Okay When I Get Done With You: Ive never seen a copy, but clearly it exists and lots of people have read it. And I think the reason for that might be that he doesnt understand depression AT ALL. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. My partner had to learn to adjust to a massive change in our relationship and in me. My sister is not depressed and does not need my help, I just want to provide it because I care about her. We both loved science fiction. Then willingly, because I knew tea came in a lot of flavors. From the information we have from the letter, Id say theres an incorrect assumption hiding in there. But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. Its hard not to get triggered into weirdly competitive, self-hating behavior patterns that have to do with weight/appearance. Certainly housework affects him, but what LW eats and how much she exercises doesnt. What kind of phrases should I NOT say? Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: I love it, he doesnt. This is all controlling behavior, and maybe turning abusive. Oh, LW, my heart is breaking for you. This is not a democracy. But Im definitely not saying you need to DTMF right away. Expressing frustration towards behaviors? You are strong and brave to decide that you need to draw boundaries. People do get used to roles, and if youve been in the role of the sick one who needs help and your partner got used to the role of the competent one who knows what should be done and should be listened to, then you are challenging those roles by getting healthier. Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. NO. I also just wanted to emphasize that what your boyfriend is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. LW, if his advice and criticisms increase as you gain self esteem and do better, he may have real self esteem and control issues of his own. Of course only you can decide if this is leftover caretaker anxiety that youre willing to move through with him, or hes controlling in a weird way (or both) and what youre willing to put up with. Tell your boyfriend once that you've noticed that he stopped sending text messages. Youre should-ing all over yourself. Stuart Smalley (aka Sen. Al Franken). Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Poetry of Nope is my new favourite phrase! If a relationship is making you unhappy, you do not have to bend yourself into a pretzel to try and make it work. Demand constant direct Snaps, video calls, phone calls and dedicated videos. Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. Once we finally separated, my depression has not returned. Nope, cant recall this either. In some cases, he may have forgotten how strong your connection was. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when I am doing a really good job in my life and my asshole brains like YEAH well, itll never be good enough, SO! He also sounds like the physical (/verbal) manifestation of Compulsive Skin Picking which is *literally* a process by which I pick myself apart. The relationship is no longer going anywhere, Ill let you have your way simply so we can stop talking about it. It sounds like BF is unhappy with the relationship, but feels like LW has it in her control to make the relationship better, so he is taking it out on her for not being the idealized version of herself. Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. I said You know, a lot of the time people do what they want in the moment & dont think it through, especially when theyre having powerful emotional impulses. He was like well that way of life doesnt make sense. When the passion is gone in a relationship it means the good stuff thats supposed to fuel you through the bad stuff is no longer there, meaning, theres simply no point in pretending I care if the girl has wacky opinions about something. also: breakfast for dinner is awesome and should be a part of every week Unless you dont want it to be, in which case it shouldnt! The ones who wont should be encouraged to date one another whenever possible. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. Exercise doesnt have to hurt to be effective. Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? This was highlighted in the response, but what JUMPED out at me was the bf not wanting the LW to be comfortable, because fuuuuck that. My therapist and I called this Shoulding all over me. Lets stay on topic.. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. It doesnt matter what a partner is interested in controlling, your food intake, your hairstyle, how much work you do, how much sleep you get; when theyre trying to control you and cannot seem to be redirected, it is time to take the advice of the Doctor. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. I went through a phase when I asked him if he was feeling depressed almost every day at a point when he was beginning to feel better. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. Listen to Leah Robins and the Captain if he loves you, he will work with you, and you will be able to laugh together even during the darkest moments of your lives. Neither one is going to work. That there is no end in sight, no real goal. That's key: the minute there's no effort from both partners, then there's no relationship. i got a screw driver thing and tried to force the switch witih t; I have a hp 2000 notebook pc and the touch pad and cursor aren`t letting me click on things but the cursor does move? *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? Its still manipulation. What he meant to communicate was like Lets try this thing together! or Im trying this thing and Im loving it! but it came out as How about you do this thing? He was reluctant to agree to stop giving advice, because it was painful and frustrating for him to watch me go through depressive periods and be unable to help. Unfortunately, these storytellers dont get it. At first, these negative aspects of our relationship were very minor. didnt care to be badgered about things and it needed to stop. I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. How does this affect you? is a lot nicer than what Id end up saying. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. This a) allows me to see places that I normally wouldnt be able to get to (much of Europe and North America, selected bits of South America, Asia, Australia), b) floods the brain weasels with new impressions without having to get out of the house (and the more impressions I stuff my brain with, the less it falls into the same old ruts), and c) it completely turns the I have to sit on a stationary bike and stare at a wall for twenty minutes around on its head: its now a case of I can explore [cool place] for twenty minutes at my own pace without much effort and Im quite often annoyed when I have to stop. I had a boyfriend like that once. There's no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. He wants to spiral your self-esteem back down, and then play the good boyfriend who knows whats best for poor you card. Controlling never helps this situation, taking care of me and then helping him as he asks to be helped is what helps this situation. Its just really hard to take that final step sometimes, and back off, but its exactly what I need to do. Theres also the fact that you are depressed, at least for now (although congrats on making what sounds like a lot of progress toward improvement). When Dude just tells you that he knows best for you, that is patronising as fuck. I recognize that it can be really frustrating to coexist with someone elses depression, but the thing is, your boyfriend is not obligated to stay if he cant deal with it. It can help to be accountable, and say to someone else hey, Im having trouble doing this Thing, so can you help me by setting a time to do Thing together?, but only if this is a need *you* have identified, and its *your* solution that youre asking to put in place. You wrote: Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined) . Its also almost impossible to judge a situation from one account one letter, in this instance. Just wanted to clarify that, unlike LWs boyfriend, I never tried to help my ex. Sort of like how talking about What A Good Time Were Having is a sign that we are having a terrible time. Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. My jaded self is all "Flee! Hell yeah! But, don't nag him. So even when your partner needs you all the time, you get to take time and space for yourself. Gastrointestinal distress. There are certainly some grave warning signs here the passive aggression being one of them; its so easy to let someone know how little you mean to them by ignoring them in the day to day, withdrawing affection and communication. LW, heres the thing about our Jerkbrains: theyre jerks. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. Ashlyn Cook, 25, appeared in Kalgoorlie Magistrates Court on Monday where she . But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. It can sometimes be really helpful to challenge yourself, whether thats to exercise more or read more or keep things cleaner around the house. He used to be the one who cheered you up when you were down, but now he is also always in a bad mood. Except theyre not actually asking YOU whats best for you. I hope you dont develop any new health problems, but Id personally worry about a partner who doesnt want to step up to helping you through the hard times. He was trying to help in similarly pushy ways. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. Regarding being able to change people: LWs boyfriend is *technically* correct if he continues with his controlling behaviour, it will almost certainly change the LW just not into the the happy, healthy LW he is trying to sell them. When your boyfriend just slithers away leaving you completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering. The thing to watch for is a change in how they behave. Assuming that he doesn 't have a hormone issue, a man who is attracted to a woman will probably want to have sex. You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket. The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know So Far, Signs You Lack Self-Love (And How To Develop It), The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love. A while later we split up, and it was unfun and shitty and also exhilarating and life changing and were both in a better place now. They are debate tools. But thats the best I can think of that might be of some help. I dont know if that makes sense? Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. I have no idea if my dumping him finally gave him the kick in the pants he needed to dowell, anything (we havent talked since he moved his stuff out), but I can say my life improved drastically! Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. The reason why he stopped making an effort might be because he no longer feels like theres a future between the both of you. Ew, gross. Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). As the Captain and some of the Army have said, sometimes people need a bit of time to reset themselves mentally from caretaker, and weird things can stand in for anxiety about another person. Whats done is done, nobody likes being reminded every time they make a mistake but at least try not to rub salt in his wounds by bringing up old fights with new ones unless absolutely necessary. No one wants to treat someone they love that way, it just slips out when you stop viewing them in that light. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. Don't ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). I guarantee you it will only get worse. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! Run. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. Get him to chase you instead." That is good friendly advice but there's a little more to it than that. Id probably be a lot less functional had he pushed me. But now, he doesnt suggest doing anything together anymore either. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. One of the most aggravating things for me is that I dont naturally have positive regard for my body outside of what it can do I think I so completely absorbed the idea that I was physically unattractive as a young person that some kind of athleticism seemed like the only remaining possibility for my body to have any kind of worth. When he talks to me like that, it starts to cancel out all my confidence. Worst case scenario, it can lead to more blatant abuse (sounds like he already has manifested abusive tendencies with the name calling and the silent treatment). If you havent seen your friends in a while, call them/message them and schedule a hangout. As the Captain said, he likes potential you. He also once painted a portrait of Hitler, which has got to be one of the worlds most dubious claims to fame! He may feel like criticizing you is the only way to help. Replace depression with cancer, and see what Im talking about. Im not sure if its changing who he is so much as finding out whether hes oblivious and well-meaning or a giant tool. The way to find out is to give him the information that would stop him being oblivious as clearly as possible if he changes his actions he may have been decent all along, if he doesnt then hes conclusively demonstrated jerkitude. In the latter casetry the scripts here for some firmer words of quit that already, mention that you *have* a therapist and this is their *job* and his job now is to be a listening ear and a source of happiness and relaxation, and if he still refuses to comply, dump him. I dont know your boyfriend, but in my case, I had to say to my fianc outright that I already have a therapist who is doing her job just fine, and this was even harder for him, because part of his job involves providing therapy to students on the autism spectrum. Seconded! Make sure that the issues you address in your list are really what is bothering you. Nothing is good enough. Is your boyfriend offering to engage in these wonderful, healthy activities with you? It could be as simple as he just no longer feels like being around you, which means there isnt much motivation for making an effort either. These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort. I hope others have advice too. This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! Forgive me, but I get the feeling from your letter that its the latter. Hes drained; dealing with this depression has sucked his soul out, but he cant tell you that because as I found out pretty clearly in my depressive episodes, someone telling you theyre out of energy to deal with your chronic conditions just feels like your Jerkbrain saying nobody likes youso nobody will admit theyre weary. They feel like Im not happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low self esteem. Then all of a sudden he stopped calling and you're not hearing from him at all. What it shows is that, really, the storytellers have no idea what your problem works or feels like. I hope your boyfriend comes around, but I offer you my best wishes and confidence in your judgment no matter whether he does or not. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. I wholeheartedly agree. My (23 F) boyfriend (25 M) has stopped showering during lockdown and for the past 2 months has only been spraying Febreze on himself. I dont know what your boyfriends views on your therapist or on therapy in general are, but he might use a comment like this as evidence that your therapist clearly has no clue whats going on in your life so you should just listen to him and do everything he says. This does not augur well for a long-term relationship. I use up a lot of my energy every day just trying to keep myself vaguely adequately fed, and having somebody help out like that can be such a good thing. Here are 7 early warning signs of a controlling boyfriend who thinks he owns you. Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. Id say all this really depends on the details. My Boyfriend Passed Away Suddenly, and This Is What Grief Feels Like. Even when its shaping your thoughts/actions/everythings, its not at all about YOU, your feelings, your hurt, your healing. When I left my abusive family? Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. If your guy used to care and suddenly cant be bothered, thats a red flag. I need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt. He may have felt too responsible for you, or that he was committed to always look after your needs. I mean, its not like the fucking JerkBrain wasnt already screaming at me about what a pathetic, useless fuckup I was, so having a physical JerkBrain Enforcement Squad really helped me!!!! Whenever my boyfriend goes out of town, I deal with missing him by cooking all the things he doesnt like, such as spicy food. Or will. 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Lets try this thing together love is out there girls, just make sure the... Not sure if its changing who he is so much as finding out whether hes oblivious well-meaning... Be encouraged to date one another whenever possible confused and broken hearted, it adds to the original.! Have the control he used to like well that way, it just slips out when you viewing... Re not hearing from him at all so if he has stopped watching everyone & # x27 ; re hearing... Alternate making dinner became an end in sight, no real goal that decision once... This thing triggered into weirdly competitive, self-hating behavior patterns that have to put up with constant questioning anyone! Likes potential you have felt too responsible for you, your healing improved, because I knew came! Confused and broken hearted, it starts to cancel out all my confidence cough * Nah, it to! Your Self-Esteem back down, and see what happens when you stop them... 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